Sorry, I Don’t Speak Broke


According to Apple, “AirPods will forever change the way you use headphones.” Apparently the students of Thousand Oaks High School have the same opinion.

When did you first hear about AirPods? Maybe you saw the countless memes on Twitter that both applaud and criticize the accessory. Maybe your mom asked you why your friends have cigarette butts hanging out of their ears. Maybe that annoying kid who sits behind you in Chemistry showed them off to you. “They never fall out of my ears! They automatically connect to my phone! They cost $159!” Shut up, we get it.

When we returned to school after winter break, I noticed that the number of kids walking around with AirPods in their ears had exponentially increased. Nine out of 17 members of The Lancer staff have AirPods. But why AirPods? Why not any other type of wireless headphones? The first Bluetooth headset was released in 2000. Plenty of wireless earphones have been invented since then. However, AirPods offer more perks than just wireless listening.

A double tap on either left or right ear phone activates Siri so you can make calls, adjust volume, get directions, skip songs, or even pause the music so you can eavesdrop on other people’s conversations without being obvious about it.

On a single charge, the wireless charging case that comes with the earphones offers five hours of listening. The case has additional charges for more than 24 hours of listening.

But enough talk about the many perks of AirPods. The kid in Chemistry already explained to you that his music automatically starts playing when he puts them in his ears, and automatically stops playing when he takes them out.

But let’s not lie to ourselves here. Who actually asks their AirPods for directions? There’s another reason why AirPods are growing in popularity, that reason being to flex.

People like to flex, or show off in a non humble fashion, their AirPods are not only headphones, they are a fashion accessory. The white earphones go with every outfit and fashion style. AirPods cost a lot of money, too. $159 to be exact. Many of the students of TOHS paid for AirPods with their own money, and many of the parents of TOHS paid for those AirPods with their own money. Showing off expensive purchases will always be a trend, and making fun of other people’s expensive purchases will also always be a trend. It’s why people buy Supreme and Off-White and why we make fun of people who buy Supreme and Off-White. It’s why AirPod users say “sorry, I can’t hear broke” and why non AirPod owners ask Airpod users if they know how to speak broke.

The recent AirPods trend can be compared to the Hydro Flask craze that started around 2015. All of the trendy people bought Hydro Flasks and put cool stickers on them. Students walked through the halls of TOHS brandishing their new water bottles during passing periods and would display their Flasks on their desks during class. No one ever put their Hydro Flasks away in their backpacks because they wanted everyone to know that they stayed hydrated in style.

However, Hydro Flasks are useful and convenient. The bottles keep your water icy cold throughout the school day. It’s the exact same scenario with AirPods. They are helpful, good looking, questionably expensive, and used to flex on one’s peers.

No one really cares if their water bottle is a Hydro Flask anymore, they just want a water bottle that will keep their water cold. Remember in seventh grade when everyone would purposely show off the Lululemon horseshoe at the waistband of their leggings? Now, people just want a pair of high quality leggings, Lulu or not. Maybe one day no one will care what kind of wireless headphones you have, but right now in 2019, it’s all about the brand name AirPods flex.

There are many other types of wireless headphones on the market, manufactured by various tech companies. A less expensive alternative to AirPods are the JLab audio JBuds for $49. A more expensive alternative are the Bose SoundSport earphones that cost for $199. Knock off AirPods are also starting to pop up on the market for all of the kids who want to show off some fake clout.

If you think AirPods are a true status symbol, you should reserve a pair of Louis Vuitton ultra-luxe monogram wireless Horizon earphones that will be released later this year. These headphones cost $995 and display the classic Louis Vuitton “LV” logo. They cost $995 and can be ordered in black, white, red or black with blue and yellow stripes. They offer many of the same services as AirPods, just with extra clout. Louis Vuitton horizon monogram earphones are for people who want to flex on the AirPod flexers.

AirPod users, ask yourselves: “Did I get these AirPods so I could listen to music more conveniently or did I get these AirPods just to flex?” Non AirPod owners, ask yourselves: “Do I make fun of people with AirPods because I think AirPods are stupid, or because I’m jealous of them?”